Our Journey to Hadley: The fertility nightmare

Matt and I got married in October of 2003. Matt's Dad had a stroke right after we got married and was in the hospital until Christmas. This really put life in perspective for us so I went off the pill in December. A year had gone by and no pregnancy but we kept telling ourselves it will happen when it's suppose to happen. In 2005 we bought a house so we decided at this point that we were more than ready. I thought we had been patient enough so in 2007 we started seeing a fertility doctor. The only thing they found was that my periods were not regular(which I knew) and that Matt's sperm count was on the lower end of normal. We did fertility treatment until June of 2008. We had six IUI's done and none of them worked. I was constantly asking if my body was doing everything it needed to and they reassured me every time that it was. Every IUI we did Matt's sperm count was great so what was the problem? There is a little thing called intuition that I wish I would have listened to! I felt something wasn't right with me but they kept telling me otherwise so we kept doing what they said to all the while I was feeling horribly tired, moody, and well not myself at all from all the hormones being put in my body through pills and shots.(lots of shots)

I was reading my journal and reliving the stress and emotional sadness all over again. I wrote most days that I wondered if this would ever happen for us. The one thing I have dreamed of since I was a child myself. I always have had a special place in my heart for children wether it was at 3 years old being mommy to my dolls, 13 babysitting every weekend and all summer long, or at 23 praying to get the chance to be a mommy. I felt as though because of money we were being backed into a corner and couldn't afford to do any more fertility treatments. We had spent seven thousand dollars and the next step was adoption, or in-vitro. We had used all our savings and credit cards the only way to do either of these things was to take out a loan. The decision to go for adoption, as my Aunt Lorrie who had adopted three children put it, was a sure thing. If we went with in-vitro we could use up our last resort and have it not work and wouldn't get to be parents at all. With this in mind I slowly started to give up the dream of carrying my own child. I called and got information on foster parenting and adoption. In the mean time I realized just how hard it is to adopt. There are so many children that need homes yet it is a long and what seemed almost impossible process. I then started asking everyone I knew if they knew of someone that wanted to give there baby up for adoption. I asked Riley(a girl I used to babysit) who at the time was in High School and had told me of all the 14, 15, and 16 year olds that were pregnant. The crazy thing is all of them were keeping their babies. When I thought about this and all the drug babies out there I became angry. VERY ANGRY!! I couldn't understand why God would allow such things when here I was willing to do anything for a baby!